The Dark Gift

I am not morbid. I am not drawn to or fascinated with death or the macabre. I am a child of the present, the very here and very now. In fact right now the only thing I can say I am borderline obsessed or drawn to is my Young Living Lavender Lip Balm (It is worthy of obsessive behaviour, though!)  However each of us harbors within us a divine and unique gift– something that makes the “Youness” in you distinct. Some know their gift, some suspect but hide their gift, while others embrace and share their gift.  I try to dig deep and recall, did I know this in childhood but forgot? Did it ever manifest prior to two years ago? Did I ever have an inkling of what I am about to attempt to describe?

Reiki is a force which flows through us– it soothes, it calms, it relaxes the body on levels most people have never experienced. Reiki brings clarity, sometimes in vivid colors, sounds, images, and even visions for some. But unequivocally, it brings healing and peace. Animals are uniquely in tune with this energy flow. They are FAR more in tune than humans. Animals do not question. Animals do not balk. Animals do not fear or hate because they think something is against their religion. Animals accept, because they do not fear energy — they simply, and always with ease and grace, embrace and accept the Reiki energy.

I have had an animal connection for as long as I can remember. The unveiling, so to speak, happened approximately two years ago. A friend was caring for a neighbor’s cat. This animal had become depressed and despondent– she was so concerned that I was asked to communicate with the cat. What happened next is nothing I anticipated or can even coherently write about. The cat was in anguish and essentially willing itself to die. To put this into human terms, this animal was committing suicide as every major system in her body began slowly shutting down. This was by choice, not a medical condition. I could feel her mounting fear and anguish just as if it were my own. And I allowed it to do just that, become my own. My body was wracked with gut wrenching sobs and tears and I felt as though I may drown. Blood vessels in my eyes burst and my nose began to bleed heavily from both nostrils. To use a reference from Harry Potter (and I KNOW most of you have read them so don’t act all coy) it was as if I were being de-evolved by a Dementor. I felt as though I would never be happy again. I felt like I was in a vortex of fear and misery, and essentially I was, because this was where the cat was. I did not know Reiki at this time, but instinctively I had shared energy with her without knowing “how to shut it off”. When I soothed her and assured her that we would help her leave her anguish she became noticeably calmer.  My friend, with owner permission, took her to be euthanized immediately following our communication. The Vet confirmed the systematic shut down of her major internal organs. She could no longer bear her burden in this “lifetime”.

What I realized from this experience was that I was capable of being a “Sentinel”, a guide, someone who could ease the fear and uncertainty of passing out of this World.  This was, without question, my “Dark Gift”. When this realization hit me, all I could think was, “Oh that’s just f#@*ing GREAT! Because people won’t think I’m weird enough with the Reiki and tattoos, now they’ll think I’m Dr. Sleep!!” (Sidenote: If you want to get a good idea of what I experience, seriously, read Dr. Sleep by Stephen King– yes Master of the Macabre, but he got the descriptions right!)  Not a single day passes to date in which I do not think of this cat. I know in my heart that it was exactly what was needed, at exactly the time it was needed, in precisely the way it was needed. But to this very day, I still hold her experiences within me, unable to let them go because they are now a part of my very fiber. This is not what Reiki is, it is light years different– Reiki practitioners are conduits, my energy remains my own just as does a client’s.  However this was something I had to learn, and thankfully I had an incredibly intuitive and gifted Master Teacher.

I have since provided Reiki to two other beloved animals at the time of their passing. Each understood and knew what was about to happen, and while they knew it needed to happen, they were fearful– and who amongst us would not be? As the Reiki is given, they visibly relax. It is then that the intuitive communication begins to flow at its best. I communicate by way of imagery or mental pictures; however, what I receive is an “emotion” or “feeling” which somehow translates into a scenario or words, or a “picture” in my brain.  I can’t describe it, it just happens and makes total sense. I cannot “see” the other side so to speak, but I can see and feel a change in energy in the animal. It is at this time that I mentally “hold their hand” and both ease their fear and guide them in the direction they must go. The presence remains with me, even after their clinical death, sometimes for up to two days. I believe it to be a silver thread, a connection they keep, so that I may know they are safe. Maybe science has an explanation for it. I myself do not. Nor do I care to. It is. That is all I know and all I need. For those who believe the meaning of life is to find your special gift, then surely the purpose of life would lie in sharing that gift.

So now you have it. All of me. All of my strange, dark, beautiful, secrets.  Love it? Hate it? Refuse it? It still is. Just as I am. I can no longer apologize. Just accept me for me or do not. But if you move on, hopefully it is with love in your heart and always with forward movement.

Namaste